Mudita Driven Life

My understanding and value for relationships has increased by so much ever since I’ve been single. I don’t exactly mind this type of lifestyle but it does get lonely and not having someone to be completely comfortable around doesn’t help either. As much as I’d want to date someone, I haven’t met anyone who I could madly fall in love with either. The people in my age group or social group just don’t have any of the qualities I find attractive. Maybe I’m being too picky or a prude but I never settle for anything. I would never allow myself to have a decent or ok relationship, I would only seek out an adventurous or ever growing bond with another person.

Admittedly, I wish I had someone to treat ever so nicely and to speak only kind words too but hey, everyone is just trying to have fun right now. I’m not sure why I decided to write about this topic tonight but I’ll keep on posting whatever else comes to mind.

Although I didn’t want to at first, I decided to take Mariah’s advice and try to at least be friends with my former girlfriend since I realized I lost more than that years ago. I lost a best friend, someone I could trust completely, but then it all shattered and my mind went to shit for about two years. Now, on my basically third year, I’m recovering rapidly and turning out fine. Anyway, I messaged her over Facebook and here’s how the conversation went down:

(Note: I’m not even sure what I said anymore but I won’t bother reading it because what’s done is done)

• • Share
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  August 3

  Beatriz Verdin

  • So y did u request me?? It’s kinna random and I didn’t really think that u would wanna add me again soo y??

• 

  August 3

  Kenneth G Lopez

  • Just figured I needed to grow up, let go of everything in my past, and I’m just following someone’s recommendation if not vision of “I can see you and B being friends again”.
    I’m not going to ask anything of you, I’m not going to bring up the times we had in the past, but I’ll ask for is to at least be introductory friends. Also, ignore every other message I sent before this since those are just days I don’t want to remember anymore.

• 

  August 3

  Beatriz Verdin

  • So wat ur asking for is to have me as a friend on here and start over from zero as if we never knew each other basically?

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  August 3

  Kenneth G Lopez

  • That sounds like a good idea now that you mention it. The only thing I’ll bring up and recently realized in these last few months was that it wasn’t particularly you that I missed these years, it was the memories but most importantly, the loss of one of my greatest friends that affect me.
    Like you suggested though, starting from ground zero seems like a good start to me. On a side note, due excuse my idiocy from the last couple years of my life.

• 

  August 9

  Beatriz Verdin

  • Sorry I didn’t respond till now. But anyways, the thing is u forget I have a boyfriend that doesn’t like u and wants to basically beat u up cuz of the past so I can’t really be friends with u and start over. And also I don’t see y u say to excuse u for the last few years but ok lol

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  August 9

  Kenneth G Lopez

  • Well, I can at least say I gave it a shot then. As for what impact I had on him, I won’t take it back since that was my good willed mentality at the time, but I can’t say I like him as a person either. Of course, there’s another wonderful side to him that others have seen but me having that possibility would be too troublesome to bother with.
    As for the last few years, I’ve given you a hard time, at least in my honest opinion.
    I’m not sure if you ever read the letter I sent you ages ago, nor would I force you to read it, but I have come to terms that are paths may not ever meet on friendly terms ever again. We’re both leading completely different lives, know so many different people, but we don’t know each other’s stories in these past few years.
    Anyway, I’ll promise to not bother you. This was all based on a suggestion from a now good friend, who I didn’t really come to terms with in high school, but I’m glad I did this based her thoughts.
    As for my little sister, I’m not sure whether I should still keep in contact with her or if I should speak with your parents ever again but I’ll decide on that soon enough. You have a great family, I’ve known that for years, but my involvement seems more like a nuisance by now.
    Regardless of all that’s been just said, there will always be that little 14 year old self that cares about you and I’m hoping I can at least leave you with this wonderful way of living:
    
    PLUR - Peace, Love, Unity, Respect
    I learned to follow this acronym to heart after partying with friends, drinking a good amount, occasionally trying drugs like Acid, Ecstasy, shrooms (never the hard stuff though), traveling often to meet new people, but in the end, the reason I believe in this saying so much stems around the fact that I recently have been able to open up and trust people in my life.
    Ciao

Alright mates, listen up. Since this has followed me for about three years or so, I’d like for everyone that knows me to please stop bringing up my former girlfriend Beatriz and asking if I know how she’s doing. Yes, I enjoyed the time we spent together a long time ago and those are arguably some of the best years of my life but I don’t want to be defined by a past relationship anymore. She moved on and now, so have I. However, we’re not together and haven’t spoken with each other either because we’re so distant in terms of friendship from each other now. There’s no bad blood between us, that I know, but our lives have taken us into completely different directions. I don’t want her being hassled with questions, I’m not asking for info on her life, but say nothing wrong of her because I’ve tried my hardest to stay true to my word and let everyone know she’s a great person.
In the end, I want to be defined by my character and mind now compared to my high school days. I’m Kenneth Lopez, not the “Aren’t you the person Betty dated?” guy. I have plans for my future, I’m happy with what I have, and I’m continuing to be the best person I can be on a daily basis. So please, don’t define me by my past and don’t bring up a name that’s nothing more than a memory to me, thank you.

follow up comment:

I’d also like to thank a few people in particular for helping me through my most difficult times:
Jim Burbridge, Kierstynn Marie, Scout Dearing, Martin Mora, Johannes Wa, Mariah Fowler, and so many more people that I can’t immediately list. You all showed me kindness, empathy, love, but above all, I have trusted you all with my truest thoughts and I have had trust issues for the longest. Again, thank you all for helping progress through my life.

I’m a little shaky, probably just scared, but I’m here with no expectations. Whether or not it goes through won’t matter, I was finally able to do it. Sure, I could have feelings deep down since she was once my girlfriend but honestly, it would just be nice to have one of my best friend’s back.

Note to  self:
Kenneth, talk with me man. I know you’re scared, you almost feel like vomiting, and you’re shaking. I know this because you and I are one in the same. I’m your mind and you are the caretaker. We’ve been through years of this, you’ve grown so much that I’d bet you could hardly recognize who you were almost 3 years ago. The fact that you measure your growth since the break up is saddening, you need to let it all go. BREATHE man, I want you to continue living a happy life. That void you might feel is the absence of love but that’s normal. Whether or not you “find someone”, don’t let it define your life. Most people have optimistic bullshit of “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone” but this time, trust not only your gut but your personality and experiences more. Love doesn’t call for greed, perfect looks, or settling for anyone. Love means making a living, falling for each others word choice, and finding the right person to ride the rest of this roller coaster we call life. So go on man, go to sleep. You’ve been up late, get some sleep and keep your search for a passion going.

Time and time again, I felt myself saying “Ok, NOW I’m finally over my past relationship”. It took me more than 2 years after to start saying it but at about 3 years, I reached yet another milestone in my life. I started talking with people about my past relationship, I trusted in others with my problems more, I started to not only earn about “baggage” but how to get rid of it, and I ultimately got the closure I always wanted yet the means by which it was achieved was unpredictable.

Thank you Jim, I never realized how much I compared girls to a relationship I once had years ago. You didn’t know it but you helped me drop it all and never look back.

Thank you Mariah, you gave me the type of closure I always wanted but could never get from her. Knowing, at one point, that she was hurt, confused, and scared to see me showed we both were not so different. Hell, the next step is becoming friends again like you envisioned or guess.

The last and final steps are simple but need big boy pants on my end:

(Check) Realize that breaking up turned us both into better people

() Leave my feelings in the past, no matter how good they were

() Stop trying to induce guilty thoughts or regrets and look at her picture normally

() Grow up, you’re both 20 years old now, not 17

My life is steamrolling right now, there’s no way I can stop this growth, nor would I want to. I’m learning how to not judge my life based on others, I’m learning what makes me happy, I’m making mistakes but learning from them faster, I’m questioning life even more but answering it more willingly, I’m almost to the point where I’m not afraid to fail, and I’m progressing in a direction I’ve always wanted.

My past has haunted me for too long and I paid the price with crippling/agonizing depression. Now, I won’t let it hold me back any longer.

You hear me world? I am a changed man, chasing a dream, and I won’t allow myself to be stopped anymore.

If there was one thing I would wish for, foolish or not, it’s someone to love, cherish, enjoy, grow with, and most importantly… I wish I had someone who could bring out if not encourage the best to come out of me as I do the same for her.

You’re a 20 year old guy thinking of a once 17 year old girl. “You have to let it go”.

It hit me like a truck, no doubt, how events from 3 years ago suddenly shed a different light that I had no even hypothesized or dreamed ago during this struggle of mine. It was nice, for a change, to be listened to and not heavily criticized for my past mistakes. I realized that as a high schooler, I knew nothing of the world or this game of “love” we all have apparently romanticized since we were basically toddlers. Although my dear friend Mariah brought up some mistakes I was unaware of or how I made others feel before, her best advice was to finally let it go. I was supposed to make those mistakes in the past so that I may move on forward. If I had not ended with the relationship I had, I would not be the same person I am today. Who knows, I might have taken longer to grow up, there’s a chance I wouldn’t have been able to connect with so many people, I wouldn’t have drank alchohol or tried drugs, but the biggest two possibilities I would’ve missed out on are what I could have not accomplished with my now open-minded mentality and how much of a strong/happy person I am because I experienced great hardships and crippling depression.

I won’t say anything about her changes, seeing as I was not directly apart of them, but she’s apparently doing fine. I’ve managed to get rid of those visualizations or episodes out of my head revolving around worst case scenarios.

I’m starting to wonder though, why am I so terrified of running into her? I was constantly paranoid of running into her in Utah, which was 0% probable,  and the one time it happened once I came back wasn’t completely terrible. We didn’t look at each other, we said nothing, and the moment ended soon after. I believe I had a huge pain in my chest but that was about it.

Still… Why am I afraid? That part of my life, us being together, is years over but I’m left with lingering questions and scars from a time long past. Am I afraid of what she’s become? Am I afraid of what her life was like without me? Am I afraid of what I caused her to go through? Do I still have old lingering feelings? Why do I care so much?

Recently, thankfully, I made a declaration on Facebook that I am finally able and willing to give love a chance again. Those who knew me well enough know how heartbroken I’ve been so seeing my peers encourage/support me was an uplifting feeling. My biggest problem, however, seems to be finding someone so unusual and unlike any other young lady I have ever come across. Over time, my taste/preference in women has changed dramatically but I think I know why: Every girl I’ve met has shown me wonderful characteristics that I fancy in a partner. As it stands, I’m not exactly sure who I will “fall in love” with but the message keeps getting clearer each time. My pops, who I respect and listen to so much, has gotten me into the habit of thinking “everything happens for a reason” and that advice has never backfired on me.

I keep meeting people at just the right times in my life, strangely enough right, and its frequency doesn’t cease to amaze me. I will say though, at least, that I’m becoming more accepting and humble when it comes to who I can see myself with. The stupid “hotness” or “sexyness” factor has been almost completely drained out of my system due to some mental training on my part and now I’ve focused more on how beautiful their minds and words are.

If I had to list out what I somewhat look for, I would say the following:

• A smile that can always turn a frown upside down or make an existing smile last longer
• Comfort and happiness with her own body
• A sense for adventure
• In love with music and willing to show in almost any way possible (drug usage, instruments, dancing, gloving, singing, etc)
• An open mind that knows how to both understand me and cause thought provoking questions
• Latin/Asian would do well either for cultural similarity or diversity
• Knows how to chow down on super yummy food
• Independent
• Emotionally stable
• Eloquent word choices rather than a bitchy tone of voice mixed with appalling language
• Can show me how to love myself more and bring out the best in me
• A thinker/reader who always has a thought to ponder over
• Old fashioned manners with a modern twist is welcome
• Crazy dyed hair
• A small or medium sized frame/figure
• loves to cuddle

I’m not sure what else I would want in a romantic partner but even this list is subject to change. In the end, I would just love to have someone who is special in her own wonderful way

For obvious reasons and signs I could tell over time, the person I was interested slowly started having different feelings than I would have hoped. Honestly though, it’s understandable. Considering the distance, there’s no way we could have kept any type of relationship going and since we have known each other for roughly a month, it was just an ok foundation. I’m a bit disappointed though since she’s such a beautiful soul overall and has so many qualities I never even knew I looked for in a significant other. Overall, she’s been a learning experience for me and though it may be hard (at least for me), we’ll stay best friends for now. Who knows, it may or may not change over time but at the end of the day, I know I’m talking to someone who makes me smile who also has my full confidence. There are only two people in the world I can be completely honest with and be completely comfortable around. Johannes, of course, is the best man for the job and Scout… You’re the best young lady for the job too =).

I’m not feeling regret over this whole situation though. Whether or not I’m lying,  that tears away at me or makes me feel pain is what I’ve gone through before even meeting her. The tears over the years, the pain, the sorrow, and just sadness overall.. She feels a bit at fault or even like she hurt me but tbh, it’s what she thought she did (and unfortunately this type of situation has happened to her before) that caused me such a heartache. She brought back memories that claw away at my insecurities, memories that have engraved themselves within my skull, and memories that remind me how I feel like bits of broken pieces. That’s the only part that hurt, remembering all that…

However, although it may or may not continue, she brought back a part of me I have long seen as dead. I’m talking about the part of me which knew how to love, to care for someone deeply, the part which could trust someone, and just being able to be myself while being so comfortable around her, you know, being able to tell her everything was beautiful… I missed that part of me, that tender loving side, which I had lost ever since I broke up with my girlfriend years ago. Who knows though… Maybe that once wonderful part of me will come back again one day..

I find it hard to speak of the relationship I once had on a personal yet problematic level. The more I open up, the more I realize how fucked up I was even after all this time. On November 10, it will be 3 years since I broke up with my high school sweet heart Beatriz. Unlike most broken up couples, I can admit that those were years I’ll treasure since they represented some of the happiest years in my life. However, it’s become hazy ever since I broke up with her on back in 2009. Although I wasn’t a dick to her about it, I didn’t want our friendship to be completely over either. Just to salvage what I could, I remember uttering the words “This isn’t goodbye, this is only farewell. Let’s give it another year and see where that leads us.”
Once a year of not being together was over, and some stupid mistakes of my own on the side, I wanted to check up on her since we weren’t talking too much anymore. Alas, she had a boyfriend and I’m assuming she forgot about that day. That night, I sat there waiting and probably silently cried on the sofa. In that moment, I realized we were no longer part of each other’s lives. I saw her once to visit the college she was going, I think she had the same boyfriend at the time, and I remember that day being a big regret. Somewhere in my journal, there’s about a 2-5 page entry on what I was thinking about but still… I couldn’t bare to be there any longer yet what really killed me that day was having to stop before our final destination to make sure we didn’t run into him through public transportation. She said, and I quote, “He would probably try and kill you”. Unfortunately for me, that wasn’t the first time she made such a statement and the first time, she was seriously worried for my general health but she decided to date someone like that, not me. Soon after, we stopped talking again and one night, while in Utah, I was minding my own business when it hit me…. It was November 11 which marked the day after 2 years of being separated. Since then, I’ve had many less thoughts about her but every once in a while, her memory slips into my mind and tears me to pieces.

With all that in mind, years down the road, I’m starting to realize what’s wrong with me. Although I can attribute much of my beginning knowledge around being surrounded by different girls in Utah, my most recent burst if not splurge of information is flowing due to one individual. Her name is Scout and I can most def say I like-like her and as childish as that phrase sounds, I’m thankful to have met her.

When we truly met for the first time, which was May 16, we connected instantly and spoke to each other from across the couches one night for hours upon end until she was too sleepy to continue. With a smile plastered across my face, I realized I had met not a girl but a young lady with a world of possibilities at her feet and a mind that quite honestly astonished me. According to our world standard’s, most men look towards the physical aspect of a woman before considering her as an option but that night… I forgot about her as a person completely and loved her open mind and spirited soul for what they were; Treasures I had searched for and rarely ever found in any of my friends. The only time I ever found that was in my best friend Johannes but here was a beautiful young lady who possessed similar traits but with her own personality mixed in. Once we began talking, I found myself becoming happier for two different reasons

First, she made me feel human again by speaking with me on deeper level, giving her honest effort to make me smile, and just accepting me for who I am.

Secondly, she gave me hope that wonderful people do honestly still exist in this world. I haven’t been so comfortable around anyone else in years with the exception of Johannes.

Now, here comes the kicker. Since I’ve started speaking with her, of course I started becoming attached because of her wonderful personality. Moving a bit down the road, I started questioning what “seeing her” would be like but then came the horror stories inside of my mind. Unbeknownst to her, unless I said something, I used to be prone to visually depicting terrible if not horrifying situations within my imagination, staying up late at night in fear, and crying myself to sleep for weeks at a time. Although this situation hasn’t occurred for over half a year, I had a mini yesterday but the only difference was, I called her to talk about my fears and she helped me through them. That night, I felt calm and at peace but still… So many fears and insecurities have been leaking out lately since I was considering a relationship but I can’t see anything working out due to my own personal problems.

Long story short, because I finally connected with a wonderful soul of the opposite gender, I’ve been reflecting on relationships for the past week or so. With that, I’ve seen so many scars from my last relationship and I question how I can still be happy at times. Here’s the list, as I can see…

• I’m scared of being abandoned, forgotten, or feeling undervalued/unappreciated
• I have trust issues since years worth was suddenly broken one day by someone I cared deeply for
• I second guess myself often on word choice because I dislike causing conflict
• Seeing how the world is, find it hard to tell anyone about my feelings or emotions because it’s easy to take advantage of my kind natured soul
• I have a constant feeling of discomfort of not seeming adequate or interesting enough to someone I admire
• I feel like a burden whenever I share my problems with someone
• I can’t say the word love in a meaningful way because I’ve lacked the feeling for many years
• I forgot what it means to be loved and held for long periods of time
• (For years) My lips have yet to be kissed in such a way that exemplifies love on a level deeper than basic human sexuality. I’m talking about kisses that show commitment, needing someone, and that last forever. Kissing based on foreplay, carnal desire, or just for the fuck of it type don’t capture my interest almost at all.
• Last but not least, I am almost quite literally deathly afraid of hurting someone. Whether it’s through words, physical depiction, or (god forbid) physical aggression, I can picture myself in tears from being a source of pain.

I’m honestly surprised I have so many personal issues but that goes to show, when I felt alone and as if there was no one in the world to help me, my scars never would have surfaced.