I find it hard to speak of the relationship I once had on a personal yet problematic level. The more I open up, the more I realize how fucked up I was even after all this time. On November 10, it will be 3 years since I broke up with my high school sweet heart Beatriz. Unlike most broken up couples, I can admit that those were years I’ll treasure since they represented some of the happiest years in my life. However, it’s become hazy ever since I broke up with her on back in 2009. Although I wasn’t a dick to her about it, I didn’t want our friendship to be completely over either. Just to salvage what I could, I remember uttering the words “This isn’t goodbye, this is only farewell. Let’s give it another year and see where that leads us.”
Once a year of not being together was over, and some stupid mistakes of my own on the side, I wanted to check up on her since we weren’t talking too much anymore. Alas, she had a boyfriend and I’m assuming she forgot about that day. That night, I sat there waiting and probably silently cried on the sofa. In that moment, I realized we were no longer part of each other’s lives. I saw her once to visit the college she was going, I think she had the same boyfriend at the time, and I remember that day being a big regret. Somewhere in my journal, there’s about a 2-5 page entry on what I was thinking about but still… I couldn’t bare to be there any longer yet what really killed me that day was having to stop before our final destination to make sure we didn’t run into him through public transportation. She said, and I quote, “He would probably try and kill you”. Unfortunately for me, that wasn’t the first time she made such a statement and the first time, she was seriously worried for my general health but she decided to date someone like that, not me. Soon after, we stopped talking again and one night, while in Utah, I was minding my own business when it hit me…. It was November 11 which marked the day after 2 years of being separated. Since then, I’ve had many less thoughts about her but every once in a while, her memory slips into my mind and tears me to pieces.
With all that in mind, years down the road, I’m starting to realize what’s wrong with me. Although I can attribute much of my beginning knowledge around being surrounded by different girls in Utah, my most recent burst if not splurge of information is flowing due to one individual. Her name is Scout and I can most def say I like-like her and as childish as that phrase sounds, I’m thankful to have met her.
When we truly met for the first time, which was May 16, we connected instantly and spoke to each other from across the couches one night for hours upon end until she was too sleepy to continue. With a smile plastered across my face, I realized I had met not a girl but a young lady with a world of possibilities at her feet and a mind that quite honestly astonished me. According to our world standard’s, most men look towards the physical aspect of a woman before considering her as an option but that night… I forgot about her as a person completely and loved her open mind and spirited soul for what they were; Treasures I had searched for and rarely ever found in any of my friends. The only time I ever found that was in my best friend Johannes but here was a beautiful young lady who possessed similar traits but with her own personality mixed in. Once we began talking, I found myself becoming happier for two different reasons
First, she made me feel human again by speaking with me on deeper level, giving her honest effort to make me smile, and just accepting me for who I am.
Secondly, she gave me hope that wonderful people do honestly still exist in this world. I haven’t been so comfortable around anyone else in years with the exception of Johannes.
Now, here comes the kicker. Since I’ve started speaking with her, of course I started becoming attached because of her wonderful personality. Moving a bit down the road, I started questioning what “seeing her” would be like but then came the horror stories inside of my mind. Unbeknownst to her, unless I said something, I used to be prone to visually depicting terrible if not horrifying situations within my imagination, staying up late at night in fear, and crying myself to sleep for weeks at a time. Although this situation hasn’t occurred for over half a year, I had a mini yesterday but the only difference was, I called her to talk about my fears and she helped me through them. That night, I felt calm and at peace but still… So many fears and insecurities have been leaking out lately since I was considering a relationship but I can’t see anything working out due to my own personal problems.
Long story short, because I finally connected with a wonderful soul of the opposite gender, I’ve been reflecting on relationships for the past week or so. With that, I’ve seen so many scars from my last relationship and I question how I can still be happy at times. Here’s the list, as I can see…
- I’m scared of being abandoned, forgotten, or feeling undervalued/unappreciated
- I have trust issues since years worth was suddenly broken one day by someone I cared deeply for
- I second guess myself often on word choice because I dislike causing conflict
- Seeing how the world is, find it hard to tell anyone about my feelings or emotions because it’s easy to take advantage of my kind natured soul
- I have a constant feeling of discomfort of not seeming adequate or interesting enough to someone I admire
- I feel like a burden whenever I share my problems with someone
- I can’t say the word love in a meaningful way because I’ve lacked the feeling for many years
- I forgot what it means to be loved and held for long periods of time
- (For years) My lips have yet to be kissed in such a way that exemplifies love on a level deeper than basic human sexuality. I’m talking about kisses that show commitment, needing someone, and that last forever. Kissing based on foreplay, carnal desire, or just for the fuck of it type don’t capture my interest almost at all.
- Last but not least, I am almost quite literally deathly afraid of hurting someone. Whether it’s through words, physical depiction, or (god forbid) physical aggression, I can picture myself in tears from being a source of pain.
I’m honestly surprised I have so many personal issues but that goes to show, when I felt alone and as if there was no one in the world to help me, my scars never would have surfaced.