You are my analgesic, my temporary remedy. Tonight I will not wallow in remorse over what happened to us, because I know it was in our fate, but I will take this time to indulge myself in the beautiful bittersweet memory that was us.
You were here by my side tonight to sleep with me… Even if you think I have, I never fail to miss you. How I wish you knew this struggle and what I write about you but my world would come crashing down if you got to know me that easy through this blog. Although you’ll probably never even read one of them, I dedicate so much to you. I hope that one day you’ll return that favor before anyone else does but I really hope you beat everyone else to the punch.
I had a nice long chat with my former girlfriend last night, whom I still love btw, and she’s scared of something… “I’m worried of what will happen to you if me and him break up”… As the conversation went on, she basically said he would be willing to “meet me up somewhere” yet I was troubled as to what she meant. Apparently, he would want to fight me -.- Yeah, ‘scuse my language but I’m not messing with those ghetto ass dumb fucks. He still hates me for reasons but I don’t care about him anymore (I don’t even strongly dislike him as much nowadays).
Hi. You are a wonderful person. Truly. Don't forget that okay? Honestly. You responded to that one rather stressed, depressed post, made me feel a lot better. Thanks for caring<3
Really? Why thank you :D I’ll keep on caring btw and never be afraid to ask for help ^^ I’m always around to listen and all my contact info is on my page so troll away xD If you text me, include “tumblr” though kk? I do hope your days start getting brighter and lighter! Remember though dear, no battle can ever be won alone and there will always be someone willing to lend a hand <3
I’m happy I don’t make posts just to gain followers because almost everything I ever post is depressing, saddening or troubling to some degree. I still hate how everyday I feel heartbroken, how I long for her love and how I beat myself to a pulp. Literally, I make myself sad at least once a day. Notice that I said make? I feel horrible when I start not missing her and I contradict myself with that too many times. I want to “get over” her but at the same time, I “hold on to” her as much as possible. Am I obsessed, deeply in love or just a fool? If I could, I would cry over you every single day but I can’t really cry anymore. I started losing the ability to a long time ago but hell, you never knew. I cried myself to sleep too many nights to count since I wasn’t with you anymore. I get it, I’m a helpless idiot and romantic but what good does that do me? How can….. <—— I stopped to do some other things and I can’t remember the rest of it because I got a phone call from her.
I will admit, I was happy to see she was calling but It’s always routine. She called me since she couldn’t sleep and I, apparently, am one of the only people who’s voice helps her sleep. I will admit it, I was happy to hear that but at the same time, I was sad. I’m not the only voice but what matters more to me is I’m not the only guy voice… I remember falling asleep to her voice many times in the past (years ago) and how she would get mad but truth is, her voice always had me feeling so peaceful.. We talked for a little while but the inevitable phrase came: “I’m getting sleepy…”. Every time I hear it, my heart tends to sink but I can’t help but answer her calls… How I wish you would just say:
"I love you Kenneth."
"I miss you so much Kenneth."
"I want to be yours again…"
"I’ve never stopped thinking about you every day…"
I know It’s hopeful thinking but it hurts so much knowing It’s not reality. A good friend of mine, Harrison, from my university told me something quite surprising today: “It takes years to recover from a good relationship”. After 11 months and 9 days of never forgetting about Beatriz, I have to agree with you dude. You don’t know this but you helped me so much in ways regular guys don’t understand… Thanks for indirectly being there for me dude…
I want to stop crying everyday. I want to be happy. But I have no clue what to do. I hate being so confused. I hate this.
Keep moving forward, one step ahead.
Like Buzzy always tells me. (:
I know It’s not my place to ask, since I’m just a random person in a way, but I tend to care about the people I follow so what’s been going on as of lately dear? I’m not sure if you can PM in Tumblr but I wish to at least lessen the load you have to carry on your shoulders each day.
Any time dear, any time ^^ That’s almost literal too with the exception of school hours xD. Let’s just say I’m known to be a very helpful/outgoing person. If you go to my page and I receive a text message, I’ll assume It’s a stalker haahaaha.
Can’t say I really feel like writing but I’ll put it the way I told my friend “A-rod” earlier:
"Dude, she pretty much was my high school experience…."
I still love her more than anything in the world but the pain of knowing what once was and now isn’t bothers me. I really need to stop thinking about how she used to be in the past compared to how she is now but she was such an innocent angel…
I really hate seeing any of your status updates on Facebook because I know I’m not the reason you’re happy and I miss you so much every single time. Just your picture has the power to make me go from really happy to sad, alone and teary…
I thought a lot about you today by the way but that’s not out of the ordinary. I keep trying to live my life without you as much as possible but every day that passes by, I can’t help but think of you. It has been killing me since 11.10.09 and one year is rapidly approaching. There are many things I wish I would tell you or wish you knew but that’s not happening anytime soon. I don’t get why I always obsess over you. I know I’m not lying when I say, “What is there to go back to?’. I don’t want to sound like a jerk but I gave more than my world could muster and I keep thinking, “How could it not have been enough?”. There’s a a chance I was blind but I wish you could show me how much you appreciated me. I made a post on Facebook today (whew, didn’t say the word out loud) saying:
Just putting this out there (personal experience as well): Guys actually try to look their best for dates sometimes but don’t really notice. Hell, I’ve done a bunch of things before but not one thing I did to myself was noticed. Moral of the story: Guys like to be acknowledged for how they looked for you too.
In reality, I was venting out my mind after reading an article on Askmen.
Women, as I have seen, always crave attention but I rarely see guys being complimented. Of course, I’m talking about, “You look so handsome today”, “I really like your smile”, “did you get your hair done?” and “I love the way you look ^^”. Then again, I’m talking about myself. I say screw stereotypes to that! I realized just how tired I was of hearing, “How do I look today?”, “You see anything different today :)?”, “Have you seen my top :)?”. If anyone read that, I would most likely assume they would think I’m a jerk or a complete dick but, contrary to that thought, I had a different situation. I wanted to avoid those questions with her because she would constantly ask me every time I went to hang out with her (she was interested in someone/dating someone now) but the amount of times wasn’t what set me off. There were a bunch of times she would ask at the wrong time and all I could muster in my usually saddened moods was, “You look wonderful” but nothing else. Truth is: I feel so sad sometimes but I wish you knew what I was thinking about or maybe even cheer me up by saying how great I looked. I’m sorry for talking about you right now this way but it hurts knowing that you could never tell I was sad around you…
To be honest, this post was supposed to be only the first paragraph but as you can’t tell, I’m still thinking of you, missing you and loving you….
The guy you didn’t get to ever really know,
Kenneth ( ケン )
P.S. I’ve been thinking about it as of lately so here it goes: To everyone that follows me, I’m not doing this for the “Tumblr” fame. Most of my post will be to empty out my mind since I don’t have the right person to do that with but believe it or not, that’s not the important part. The only request I make to all my followers is to never mention this Tumblr account to Beatriz or tell her that I write about her. Besides that, I can’t say “enjoy” this blog because most of what I type isn’t “haha” material. Also, never discuss this tumblr with anyone else and NEVER bring it up to me in person. The only way I would possibly let anyone discuss this with me would be if I held that person with a high amount of respect, regard or trust. That eliminates too many people >..>
Beatriz, if you had already been reading this for a while, I might as well say I’m fucked… I don’t want you knowing about this part of my life since It’s too late to ask me about what goes on in my head. You always had the time to get to know me but you didn’t take it. Now if you were reading this, never call me, text me or (ewww) facebook me about it. I worry each and every single day that you’ve been reading but the truth is, I’m tied and 50/50 on it. I wish you knew how hard life for me is but on the other hand, you’re the reason for it. I don’t want you out of my life but you would have to prove to me just how much you care for me and that you would do anything for me…
I find myself never ever being able to get over it but I wish I could. It’s still killing me from the inside missing her and it makes me teary eyed so many times. I feel lonely without her and I constantly wish for someone to come hug me when times get really rough.. Every day and night I wish someone would hug me, look me straight in the eyes and say “everything is going to be alright” but that’s why it’s only a wish. I’m too broken to be in a relationship nowadays and I feel that if I went out with someone, my past would ruin whatever I have with that significant other. Why must I torture my own mind with what I cannot control? I wish you would miss me, I wish you would call me to see how I’m doing without anyone telling you to do so and to just tell me you haven’t forgotten about me. Unfortunately, I know none of this is going to happen. I’ll still spend my days distracting myself to forget about the world, I’ll keep on going to school and I’ll keep on listening to music to keep your memory alive. Interestingly enough, I haven’t forgotten about you or let almost any day go bye without thinking about you. It’s 10/10/10 today…. It’s been 11 months since we broke up but hey, you probably won’t remember and this will just be another one of your “going out” days. Well, enough of my thoughts… Actually, just one more dream:
I want someone to hold me.
I want someone to love.
I want someone to love me.
I want someone to understand me.
I want someone who doesn’t care about the materialistic things in life.
I want someone who shares my interest and would help bring out the best in me.
I want someone to work and provide for.
I want someone who fulfills my needs as I fulfill hers.
I want someone to give birth to beautiful children.
I want someone to my heart to and be able to fully trust her with it.
I want someone who wouldn’t be jealous of anyone because she has complete trust in me and knows I would never do anything to harm her.
I want someone who would never harm me and whom I would never harm.
I want someone to share my hopes and dreams with without being judged and for her to share the same with me.
I want someone to share a kiss with that creates butterflies in our stomachs every time we share that special little moment.
I want someone who doesn’t believe in Fucking but believes in making love for the emotions we would share or banging because we’re married, turned on and just aching to give each other a good time.
I’m hesitant to say it but…. Above all, I want someone to trust with my mind, body and soul to the very end of my days…
Found it thanks to Uyen (Found it when she was known as Eurasianmutt) and I mentally thank her everytime. Although this songs purpose may be different, I heavily used it to get me past excruciatingly difficult days. Without a doubt in my mind, I cried myself to sleep so many nights while listening to this song. I’ve just read the lyrics to it right now but the effect on my brain doesn’t add up with the words. My mind would wander off for hours and hours into the night but I felt an inner peace. Truth be told, this particular song holds so much of my sadness and condensed it to a single tear drop but I won’t complain. It’s simply stunning that one song could hold so much power yet… I come back every once in a while even when I’m happy. The song reminds me of the past I used to have but today I realized, my past with “her” fluttered of like a marvelous butterfly to be never be heard from again. I find myself forcing my mind to miss her but everyday, no matter how hard I try or how frustrated I get, I’m starting to lose her… I’m listening to the song at this moment and I just feel the tears inside but how many are there really left to shed? I honestly don’t want to loser her as a “significant other” but that’s no longer my choice. After giving it my all, I saw close to no return… Of course, giving is the spirit but receiving nothing isn’t exactly the best feeling in the world. To sum it all up, I hold on to this song so dearly as if it were a life or death situation because I never want to let the memory go but I guess I’ll have to grow. My love has faded terribly and I’m just like a fish out of water. No water, no air and a small amount of time to live…
2) Breathless by Shayne Ward
I tend to listen anytime I want to recollect all the beautiful moments in my life but out of all, it’s still another song to remember her by. Within “Breathless”, I can’t help but allow my mind to cringe (aka wonder) at the mere uttering of these specific lyrics:
"If our love was a fairytale I would charge in and rescue you”
It’s a dream being yours
"And if we had babies they would look like you It’d be so beautiful if that came true”
I want beautiful babies but it’s not possible without you.
"You leave me breathless You’re everything good in my life You leave me breathless I still can’t believe that you’re mine You just walked out of one of my dreams So beautiful you’re leaving me Breathless “
You took my breath away and gave me a wonderful life but you’re no longer mine even if your beauty pops into my dreams.
"And if our love was a story book We would meet on the very first page The last chapter would be about How I’m thankful for the life we’ve made”
I considered our love a fairy tale but I believe you already reached the very last page…
"And if we had babies they would have your eyes I would fall deeper watching you give life”
I would want my eye color but if our children could show the same look in your eyes, I would fall even harder watching you give life to a dream.
"You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me You’re like an angel”
She wasn’t exactly an angel in a figurative sense but she had innocence and pure love only when I met her but she was sent to change me…
"But all I can do is try Every day of my life”
I tried almost every single day of my life to give you all that I was but, somehow, it wasn’t enough…
3) Crying out for me
Again, she’s the reason I listen to it but there’s something deeper to it…. I’ve “cry out” out to her so many times and she’s heard it all but I doubt she’s ever listened. I wish I could hear her heart crying out for me but I know I’m not her “main” man/ boyfriend, best friend or even close friend for that fact.. Oh well, that decision depends on her, not me.
One thought just crossed my mind.. What if she called me right now screaming and crying saying she was about to die? I’d probably be devastated and choke out a gut wrenching/tear filled “What?!?” and practically go berserk knowing her death came around without me ever being present. My whole life would come crashing down and so many of my reasons for living would instantly be shattered. I hate it when these types of thoughts just cross my mind..
4) Over with by Epik High
Sets a interesting mood for me but some lyrics tend to stand out more than others:
"Who can tell? Your living is an organized hell”
True to me in every sense possible
"The mansion of your mind is an over-sized cell"
I feel like a prisoner of my own mind sometimes and I continually catch it trying to make me depressed while reminiscing at the same time.
"Fate pushing you to the wall like a thumbtack"
Am I that easy to push around?…
"Ain’t no comebacks in the game of life Roll the dice again Roll it once, never twice”
There’s only one chance to have what I want and the opportunity will never cross my path again.
"Wanna break from the world, but the world wanna break you The weight makes your backbone curl up and make you”
Here’s my own quote for these lyrics: “I am what I have gone through”
5) Airplanes!!! REEEMIIIIX feat. Ahmir (epic cover) by TimmothyDeLaGhetto
Fuck society. Fuck normality. Get piercings. Get tattoos. Do drugs. Get high. Drink 'till you pass out. Have sex. Love with all your heart. Play the music loud. Live your fucking life. Fuck what people expect of you. Do what makes you happy.